I vowed I would never become one of those women.
You know, the women who let themselves go.
The women who spend every waking moment taking care of their kids, and never have time for themselves.
The women who are exhausted, and it shows.
Turns out, I am one of those women.
In fact, because I never do anything half-assed, I think I've actually raised the bar when it comes to being one of those women.
Obviously, this is not something I'm proud of.
It makes me want to puke, actually.
What happened to the Jody that went out with friends for a drink?
I remember a Jody who played city league sports - both basketball and volleyball.
Once upon a time, this Jody even went out for occassional lunches with friends.
Unfortunately, that Jody is gone.
I sure hope she comes back someday because I really don't like the woman who has taken her place.
Oh wait, that's me.
I haven't played sports for five years. I think I went out for a beer with a friend about three weeks ago (and got texts from my babysitter the whole two hours I was gone... "Mom..when are you coming home?". Pretty much ruined the evening for me.) And lunch... hell, I don't even eat lunch most days. There's no time. I should be skinny, for a little as I eat. Unfortunately, skinny Jody has left the building too. And my hair - don't even go there. It looks like shit.
How did this happen?
I swore it wouldn't happen to me.
But, as I look at the schedule for next week, it dawns on me why it happened.
There are simply not enough hours in a day.
I would love, love, love to spend an hour at the gym every day. I would feel so much better about myself, about the way I look, and about my life. But when am I supposed to get there? Between work, the little girls, and the taxi service I run for the big kids, there just isn't enough time. And, just like those women, I wouldn't dream of spending an hour on myself.
What the hell is wrong with me?
I would be a much better mother if I did things I want to do once in awhile. If I could do them without the overwhelming sense of guilt I get now, that would be even better. It's not just the gym. I have closets full of "projects" I want to do.. Projects that I enjoy. Projects that are relaxing to me. I haven't touched them in months.
So what is the answer?
Damned if I know.
All I know is I'm tired of being one of those women.
I love my kids, like my job, and don't even mind running a taxi service.
I'd just really, really like the old Jody back.